My last post (a few months ago...sorry about that) talked about radically accepting the fact that I am broken. Play along and you’ll see how this post ties into the other.
It takes a long time to heal wounds made by trauma. Obviously this is not a new or even challenging notion, and yet for those of us who have suffered a traumatic event (for my part I am someone who has faced significant traumatic events (and changes) over a relatively short span of time) I think it’s important to recognize that the healing period can last for much longer than one anticipates. I have found (in my case—though I suspect it is universally true for most of us) that it is, in fact, the smaller effects left behind by trauma which tend to hang on the fiercest. Forget the physical ailments that I am still recovering from and just consider this example.
Although I have constantly made progress during my recovery and am consistently proud of that fact, at the same time there exists another part of myself that can (and does) remain a heavy burden. Put plainly, it is my head. I'm sure I have talked about all this before, but it’s been quite intense during the last few months of my journey, so I thought I would discuss it.
I’ve been told (and I also believe it to be true) that I have become quite good at recognizing my emotions—except perhaps when I am right in the midst of an episode of Crazy Town. I have become adept at digging deeper to understand their respective causes and sources, and in the end I manage to articulate this understanding well. To that end, I am again proud of this achievement, mostly because I find comfort in understanding how and why I feel (and ultimately behave) in a certain way. I think most people would find comfort in knowing the root of their behavior, for it is only there that change can begin.
Yet I have a long way to go in this regard because I still struggle when it comes to the manners in which I express certain emotions. I'm human, and that's just for starters, but I also have been dealing with PSTD (post-traumatic stress disorder) and a brain injury (which I’m lucky is slight, though the doctors tell me that certain things are going to stay with me for the rest of my days), so my reactions to certain things—someone else’s behavior or remarks, for example—have been primarily knee-jerk in style. I have found it tremendously difficult to use a “filter” to stop myself from going from passive to aggressive in no time. Whereas I used to be able to step back and take a breath whilst I gathered an appropriate response, it seemed that I had (at least temporarily) lost some of this ability.
How much I am going to be able to regain is of some question due to the brain injury, but I endeavor to work on it because I really DO NOT enjoy how I feel after barking at someone for a trivial infraction. I mean, I do have a conscience after all.
In the end it comes down to my need to learn how to recognize emotions that are running within me (like an undercurrent, if you will), and it has been a significant challenge. Because even though I have been able to glean a lot of insight throughout this journey to recovery, I am, as I said, still human.
Tangent thought: This emotional ride has also made it a particularly difficult winter, because (by the way) I am SERIOUSLY affected by seasonal depression whilst living here in the Northeast. Are any of you like that? It’s a TERRIBLE affliction to say the least. But one can’t help it with these endless days of white waste and tundra cold with overcast skies, particularly when one cannot (and does not) enjoy the cold. I procured one of those lights that provides fake sunlight, and I have used it over the course of the last 3-months. It has helped, so I recommend it highly to any of you who are like me. But I digress…
What is important for me to say here is that it’s been a terrific emotional ride whilst learning to overcome the effects of my trauma (otherwise known as PTSD), because that is really the only piece of this that I can address. The brain injury is what it is. Furthermore, these efforts to overcome have been ongoing not only during these winter months (though perhaps things boiled to a head at this time) but really during the entire journey of recovery to date. It is here that I should mention that my mother has been the champion she always is in this battle…helping me to disengage from a manner of reactionary behavior or to try to recognize what started the reaction in the first place. And there’s also my regiment of professional help too, so I am happy to say that I am on the right track with a good support system in place.
I guess what I am blabbering about today is the fact that I feel I have overcome yet another obstacle in this journey to my new self. I know that I was broken…am broken…but I am also confident in saying that working hard on my self-awareness has been the key to beginning a new wave of human interactions on my part. I no longer see myself feeling so trapped and overwhelmed by instant reactionary behavior, but rather, I am seeing glimpses of that person who used to be able to take a step back and evaluate before reacting.
Progress. Baby-steps-to-the-bus. You gotta love it. It makes me wonder (and look forward to) my next chapter because all progress breeds new hope.
Stay tuned…
