When I tried to think back to where
I was 2-years ago (when I stopped writing) so that I could at least try to pick
up where I left off in some sense of the word, I had a difficult time. I did my
due diligence and re-read my previous blog from the beginning (ummm…WOW! Talk about a
rollercoaster ride!) But even that wasn’t enough to assist me in really getting
back to a good starting place.
For starters, there is this issue I
struggle with now, specifically: I have a hard time picturing myself accurately.
It’s actually a big problem for me: seeing Alison for who she is now and not
who she USED to be. That difficulty—that fight within myself—stems from acceptance,
or rather, my non-acceptance of what’s happened.
I’ve received some advice that says it’s
necessary for me to embrace “radical acceptance”. Essentially radical
acceptance comes into play when something horrible has entered the scenario of
one’s life. For example: a child dies or someone’s life gets turned upside down
by a near fatal accident. A helpful website
I visited helped me frame my next section by saying (quite sagely, frankly), that
these are just not the kind of things you can start being happy about. So what
are your options? You can either be miserable or you can figure out a way to
accept the reality of your own life.
Sounds good. Certainly sounds logical from this angle, at least. So what's
radical acceptance in the end then? Well first (in case you’re confused), the
word 'radical' means ‘complete and total’ in this sense, so radical acceptance
is when you accept something from the depths of your soul; when you accept it
in your mind, in your heart, and even with your body. It's total and complete.
Now that too makes perfect sense to
me. When you've radically accepted something, you're not fighting it any longer.
In fact, another way to say it is that you have radically accepted something when
you stop fighting reality. (Thank you very much DBT Website
for helping me with my articulation here.)
Of course (and I probably don’t even
have to say this), the problem is, telling someone what radical acceptance is
and telling them how to do it are two different things. Yes, yes, all my
optimists out there (I can hear you now!) are saying that all it takes to turn
challenge into opportunity is attitude, and what better case then this, right?
But it’s bigger than just that candy
coating I just put on it. It’s a baby-steps-to-the-bus
type of attitude, I say. Just tackling small segments of life at a time that
somehow provide those of us who have fallen harder than others (and why some of
us fall harder—and the fact that I am one of them—is something I could wonder
about without finding a satisfying answer probably for the rest of my life) the
stepping stones toward a whole life again one day.
When that day will arrive for me is
a mystery still. The process is irrefutably S L O W E R than it
should be. Yet, I do know it’ll come for me nonetheless. Until then, one thing
is crystal clear. I have to work the radical acceptance surrounding the changes
that have befallen me. The good changes I have embraced as if they were always
with me, though I know better. Things like really knowing what compassion is
and how to have it for my fellow man. This is something that I must admit is
new since the accident.
But there are so many other things
that I am hesitating over. It’s as if I might wish this whole nightmare away
somehow, as crazy as that sounds.
So today—tonight, I suppose, since
it’s getting late—I am going to choose one thing to radically accept, and make
that my baby step for today. Granted today will be a small one, and I as I
continue on this journey, I will ask for help from you all. If you find me slipping…not
giving myself credit, harping on myself for something I can’t help, whatever
the case may be…speak up, will you?
I read recently that once that one
of the best things for our spiritual growth is hearing what other people think
about us (the thing I read was that there was a mirror in a holy temple in 2nd
century Jerusalem…apparently a person could look into the mirror to see the state
of their soul…but it broke, so now people—you and me—must act as the mirror for
each other). ANYway…though this is a good story, the point I am trying to make
is that if I am going to radically accept what happened to me—if I am going to
survive the seemingly unsurvivable—I will need as much help as possible if I somehow
find myself astray here. Deal?
Deal on this end. And my accepted
piece tonight is that I am broken. I am accepting that I am not my “old self”
in the way that I used to be able to process thoughts and the way I used to
walk and many other physical things (which I am sure I will delve into later). Tonight
I am accepting that there is a new me and that there are parts of her that I
like—parts that would not be here if the “old” me was still intact.
(As a side note, I have several more
entries written down and pretty much ready to go. It is, I suppose, part of my
baby-steps-to-the-bus that will get them posted and uploaded more frequently.
With any luck, that will be a sign of healing for me.)
See you soon!
