Trauma, PTSD, and The Knee-jerk Reactions That Follow

My last post (a few months ago...sorry about that) talked about radically accepting the fact that I am broken. Play along and you’ll see how this post ties into the other.

It takes a long time to heal wounds made by trauma. Obviously this is not a new or even challenging notion, and yet for those of us who have suffered a traumatic event (for my part I am someone who has faced significant traumatic events (and changes) over a relatively short span of time) I think it’s important to recognize that the healing period can last for much longer than one anticipates. I have found (in my case—though I suspect it is universally true for most of us) that it is, in fact, the smaller effects left behind by trauma which tend to hang on the fiercest. Forget the physical ailments that I am still recovering from and just consider this example.

Although I have constantly made progress during my recovery and am consistently proud of that fact, at the same time there exists another part of myself that can (and does) remain a heavy burden. Put plainly, it is my head. I'm sure I have talked about all this before, but it’s been quite intense during the last few months of my journey, so I thought I would discuss it.

I’ve been told (and I also believe it to be true) that I have become quite good at recognizing my emotions—except perhaps when I am right in the midst of an episode of Crazy Town. I have become adept at digging deeper to understand their respective causes and sources, and in the end I manage to articulate this understanding well. To that end, I am again proud of this achievement, mostly because I find comfort in understanding how and why I feel (and ultimately behave) in a certain way. I think most people would find comfort in knowing the root of their behavior, for it is only there that change can begin.

Yet I have a long way to go in this regard because I still struggle when it comes to the manners in which I express certain emotions. I'm human, and that's just for starters, but I also have been dealing with PSTD (post-traumatic stress disorder) and a brain injury (which I’m lucky is slight, though the doctors tell me that certain things are going to stay with me for the rest of my days), so my reactions to certain things—someone else’s behavior or remarks, for example—have been primarily knee-jerk in style. I have found it tremendously difficult to use a “filter” to stop myself from going from passive to aggressive in no time. Whereas I used to be able to step back and take a breath whilst I gathered an appropriate response, it seemed that I had (at least temporarily) lost some of this ability.

How much I am going to be able to regain is of some question due to the brain injury, but I endeavor to work on it because I really DO NOT enjoy how I feel after barking at someone for a trivial infraction. I mean, I do have a conscience after all.

In the end it comes down to my need to learn how to recognize emotions that are running within me (like an undercurrent, if you will), and it has been a significant challenge. Because even though I have been able to glean a lot of insight throughout this journey to recovery, I am, as I said, still human.

Tangent thought: This emotional ride has also made it a particularly difficult winter, because (by the way) I am SERIOUSLY affected by seasonal depression whilst living here in the Northeast. Are any of you like that? It’s a TERRIBLE affliction to say the least. But one can’t help it with these endless days of white waste and tundra cold with overcast skies, particularly when one cannot (and does not) enjoy the cold. I procured one of those lights that provides fake sunlight, and I have used it over the course of the last 3-months. It has helped, so I recommend it highly to any of you who are like me. But I digress…

What is important for me to say here is that it’s been a terrific emotional ride whilst learning to overcome the effects of my trauma (otherwise known as PTSD), because that is really the only piece of this that I can address. The brain injury is what it is. Furthermore, these efforts to overcome have been ongoing not only during these winter months (though perhaps things boiled to a head at this time) but really during the entire journey of recovery to date. It is here that I should mention that my mother has been the champion she always is in this battle…helping me to disengage from a manner of reactionary behavior or to try to recognize what started the reaction in the first place. And there’s also my regiment of professional help too, so I am happy to say that I am on the right track with a good support system in place.

I guess what I am blabbering about today is the fact that I feel I have overcome yet another obstacle in this journey to my new self. I know that I was broken…am broken…but I am also confident in saying that working hard on my self-awareness has been the key to beginning a new wave of human interactions on my part. I no longer see myself feeling so trapped and overwhelmed by instant reactionary behavior, but rather, I am seeing glimpses of that person who used to be able to take a step back and evaluate before reacting.

Progress. Baby-steps-to-the-bus. You gotta love it. It makes me wonder (and look forward to) my next chapter because all progress breeds new hope.

Stay tuned…

A Radical New Me (aka baby-steps-to-the-bus)

When I tried to think back to where I was 2-years ago (when I stopped writing) so that I could at least try to pick up where I left off in some sense of the word, I had a difficult time. I did my due diligence and re-read my previous blog from the beginning (ummm…WOW! Talk about a rollercoaster ride!) But even that wasn’t enough to assist me in really getting back to a good starting place.

For starters, there is this issue I struggle with now, specifically: I have a hard time picturing myself accurately. It’s actually a big problem for me: seeing Alison for who she is now and not who she USED to be. That difficulty—that fight within myself—stems from acceptance, or rather, my non-acceptance of what’s happened.

I’ve received some advice that says it’s necessary for me to embrace “radical acceptance”. Essentially radical acceptance comes into play when something horrible has entered the scenario of one’s life. For example: a child dies or someone’s life gets turned upside down by a near fatal accident. A helpful website I visited helped me frame my next section by saying (quite sagely, frankly), that these are just not the kind of things you can start being happy about. So what are your options? You can either be miserable or you can figure out a way to accept the reality of your own life.

Sounds good. Certainly sounds logical from this angle, at least. So what's radical acceptance in the end then? Well first (in case you’re confused), the word 'radical' means ‘complete and total’ in this sense, so radical acceptance is when you accept something from the depths of your soul; when you accept it in your mind, in your heart, and even with your body. It's total and complete.

Now that too makes perfect sense to me. When you've radically accepted something, you're not fighting it any longer. In fact, another way to say it is that you have radically accepted something when you stop fighting reality. (Thank you very much DBT Website for helping me with my articulation here.)

Of course (and I probably don’t even have to say this), the problem is, telling someone what radical acceptance is and telling them how to do it are two different things. Yes, yes, all my optimists out there (I can hear you now!) are saying that all it takes to turn challenge into opportunity is attitude, and what better case then this, right?

But it’s bigger than just that candy coating I just put on it. It’s a baby-steps-to-the-bus type of attitude, I say. Just tackling small segments of life at a time that somehow provide those of us who have fallen harder than others (and why some of us fall harder—and the fact that I am one of them—is something I could wonder about without finding a satisfying answer probably for the rest of my life) the stepping stones toward a whole life again one day.

When that day will arrive for me is a mystery still. The process is irrefutably S L O W E R than it should be. Yet, I do know it’ll come for me nonetheless. Until then, one thing is crystal clear. I have to work the radical acceptance surrounding the changes that have befallen me. The good changes I have embraced as if they were always with me, though I know better. Things like really knowing what compassion is and how to have it for my fellow man. This is something that I must admit is new since the accident.

But there are so many other things that I am hesitating over. It’s as if I might wish this whole nightmare away somehow, as crazy as that sounds.

So today—tonight, I suppose, since it’s getting late—I am going to choose one thing to radically accept, and make that my baby step for today. Granted today will be a small one, and I as I continue on this journey, I will ask for help from you all. If you find me slipping…not giving myself credit, harping on myself for something I can’t help, whatever the case may be…speak up, will you?

I read recently that once that one of the best things for our spiritual growth is hearing what other people think about us (the thing I read was that there was a mirror in a holy temple in 2nd century Jerusalem…apparently a person could look into the mirror to see the state of their soul…but it broke, so now people—you and me—must act as the mirror for each other). ANYway…though this is a good story, the point I am trying to make is that if I am going to radically accept what happened to me—if I am going to survive the seemingly unsurvivable—I will need as much help as possible if I somehow find myself astray here. Deal?

Deal on this end. And my accepted piece tonight is that I am broken. I am accepting that I am not my “old self” in the way that I used to be able to process thoughts and the way I used to walk and many other physical things (which I am sure I will delve into later). Tonight I am accepting that there is a new me and that there are parts of her that I like—parts that would not be here if the “old” me was still intact.

(As a side note, I have several more entries written down and pretty much ready to go. It is, I suppose, part of my baby-steps-to-the-bus that will get them posted and uploaded more frequently. With any luck, that will be a sign of healing for me.)

See you soon!

The Awakening...

It’s been two years and if you’ve been wondering what the bloody HELL I have been doing with all this time, I’ve returned to provide you an answer.

One day I took a break from writing, and the next thing I knew it was two years later, and A LOT of things had passed. I had been on a journey within a journey. I didn’t really even know that was possible until it happened to me.

So this post is going to be short…not because I don’t have a lot to say because believe me, I do—but rather it’s because I want to do 3 things.

First, I want to apologize for disappearing. In a world where writers can be here one day and then gone the next (even though many of you know right where to find me), it’s not ok to end a story in the middle. I mean, not that I am some great author or anything, but just staying with that example, I would freak out if I was enjoying a story and then it just suddenly stopped because the author was MIA. So for that, I apologize.

Yet, like I said, it was as though I was taking a short break—all the while thinking about what to write about—and  turned around with 2-years behind me. Apparently I needed time to go through some things without an audience (not that you all are peering over my shoulder or anything, but you get my meaning, I think). Things that I am not even sure I am ready to talk about, if I am being honest...yet, there’s a voice deep down that says its time…and it is to that voice that I tend to listen to above all else, lest I bring more trouble onto myself. (I’m sure you have one of those voices yourself). So here I am to tell you the stories that will make you laugh so hard you cry, reflect deeply upon what it is that is important, and maybe even cry with me when the time comes.

Lastly, (I did say 3 things), I am here to invite you to continue on my journey with me. I have not abandoned my yearning for faith, nor have I stopped wondering why I survived that horrible accident. It could be, after all, that the fates spared me that day so that I could talk about my experiences. None of us will ever really know. Yet, I have learned something about being human over the past 2-years that has changed the way I look at each morning.

And to learn that…well…I invite you to come along with me.